I'm partial to the opinion that your egoistic thoughts are merely your mind translating what it senses into words. What our minds sense doesn't need to be translated into words, though; people are capable of understanding what their mind has come up with, in full, the moment it's manifested. The actual wordy thoughts you have afterward try to help bring it into context or display it in a way you can better comprehend. After all, most of our interaction (especially considering the dotcom era) hinges on language; your mind is making an attempt to marry its sensory interpretation of your current surroundings with familiar words you can understand, remember, and relay. This reality has a time and place, and it can be very helpful (thanks, brain!), but lately for me it's become more of a detriment.
I have a very difficult time shunting my language-based thoughts away from the natural sense, something I often want to leave open for interpretation. My brain will interrupt and be all "Hey! This is what you were thinking, in English. I'm so helfpul. Buy me a beer." I spend a lot of time on teh intornetz (it's one of my guilty pleasures to play World of Warcraft drunk), so often the language my ego will choose is simple and unintellectual. My mind will often choose to translate my thoughts into this sub-sufficient e-speak. Each time it does, I feel my IQ drop by half a point or so. Even if my mind opts to inform me of something in perfect English, it's still English... not the natural state in which my mind wants to live.
(This reminds me: I used to think in a hybrid of German, Russian, French, and English because I was studying all those language simultaneously throughout school out of severe personal interest. At that point, I was a far better communicator using my native English than I am now, better at organizing my thoughts, and better at being a human being. It's been a year or two since I've experienced this, though... I'm getting rusty kogda ya dumayu po anglaiski. Es ist nicht sehr gut. Perhaps some lecons du francais are in order.)
By the time I've received this pesky translation, ineffective language use I've become accustomed to, "inflections" and "tone" with which my ego chose to "speak", and various other aspects of my mind's "helpful" clusterfuck have completely clouded my original sense beyond recognition thus rendering my thought inert, retarded, and useless. I struggle to understand its deeper meaning. I wonder whether it should be stored for reevaluation, or discarded because its sub-par delivery is an indication of its inner quality. I usually don't get to decide, however, because my mind instinctively rejects poorly-executed thoughts, sending it into the ether to be forgotten. Goodbye forever, possible-awesome-hugely-misunderstood-linguistically-raped thought. See you never.
I'd like to take this time to point out, yet again, no I do not thinking exclusively in leetspeak. I'm not a 12-year-old AOLer, and I'm not so lacking in creativity that I conform to the easiest dialect I can find. I honestly believe the language of the internet has its own realm of possibilities, the potential for some SERIOUS lolz due to phrasing alone is astronomical. I'm not here to be a hater of this social byproduct.
What I'm trying to get across is that mentally sensing exclusively through language-based thoughts is what I have qualms with; language is one of the basic ways for humans to communicate things between one another. I do not believe that it's the most beneficial way for your own mind to try to communicate with itself, 100% of the time. I'd also like to clear up that I think language, for what it is, has enhanced our species more than any other one single invention ever has and possibly ever will (except maybe Facebook. Derp). I am a student of language at all times and wish to remain as such. Not knocking language here, but there's a time and place for everything.
Moving along.
I think the onset of this phenomenon within my own mind is due to conditioning. I took the easy route, decided to be lazy, and let my ego interpret my reality for me. The result has me wading through a sea of unintelligible words, a string of connecting shapes that I've learned to call "letters", combining with no real depth or meaning. I'm struggling to communicate in the moment with even my closest of friends, because I can't seriously turn to them and say "omfg did you just see that cat eat that cheezburger?" I'd almost liken it to mild schizophrenia, if I didn't know any better.
It's time to reclaim my brain from my auxiliary sensory organs! I hereby take a solemn vow to begin actively reversing this through meditation. I have a close family member with a similar experience (save for the drunken WoW addiction), for whom meditation shed new meaning on life. Considering I'm the spittin' image of this particular relative, (well, not physically.... he's a he and I'm a she.. but mentally) I have hopes that it will prove to be effective for me as well.
As far as meditation goes, however, I'm almost completely in the dark. As a cynical youth I shunned this along with other notions of spirituality and personal growth; those are tools for people who aren't perfect by default (my teenage self truly believed I was lucky enough to embody this natural perfection... birth defect, or something). Reality most definitely struck when I first attended University and received my first ever letter grade beginning with a D because my natural perfection forgot to study, or show up for class... for an entire semester. I'm a bit of an extremist, so I figured, "Okay I'm not naturally perfect. I therefore must be a natural disaster." (Hmm.. current events are influencing my humour somewhat, eh?) In my natural disaster state, certain I was a fraud and a hopeless nobody, I dropped out of University halfway through a degree, took a low-paying, entry-level job in the service industry flipping eggs, and completely ignored spirituality and personal growth for the subsequent three-to-four years. You can imagine where that's gotten me so far.
MY BAD.
So forgive me, Meditation Gods. I plan to work hard and learn all about what your practice has to offer, and I hope in return you will bestow upon me the ability to meditate successfully and effectively. If you're real nice I'll send you a postcard from the other side.
Ohm,
Nicole
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment